I took these last night. I babysat Guppy while my SIL went to work. I’m in LOVE with some of them. This little boy melts my heart more and more every time I look at him.
And here are the black and whites!
Sadness… depression. What’s the difference?
No, seriously. What’s the difference? I can’t tell. I’ve been extremely emotional these last few weeks. A lot of it had to do with the anniversary of Aunt Terry’s passing. Some of it had to do with a little girl named Ava’s 10th birthday. I don’t know her personally, but I’ve read her mother’s blog for years, so I felt like I knew her. She passed away on February 5 of 2007. She got curious and got into her parents car and the heat overcame her and she passed away from heat exhaustion. She was a gorgeous little girl. I really don’t know why I’ve been so emotional. Could it be that my SIL is being a bridezilla bitch? Now she doesn’t want anyone but her to walk down the aisle with their father. She annoys the fuck out of me. Another part of it could be my grandparents splitting up. Another part could be knowing that my aunt and uncle are moving to Missouri eventually… and of course that means they’re taking Bug with them. I really don’t know what I’d do without that little girl… She makes my life better. I don’t know what it is about her, but something about her makes me a better person. I’m tearing up just writing this. I think another part of it is that I’m actually lonely. Everyone around me has a significant other. I have… no one. No love interests. I want kids some day. Some day soon. I don’t even have a boyfriend. And even if I get a boyfriend, I still don’t know if I’ll be able to have kids because my period is so irregular… I go months without it and weeks with it. Kids is a BIG deal for me. I don’t care about getting married, but I want kids. Biological kids. I don’t want to adopt. I want kids of my own. I’ve just been reflecting on sad stuff and I don’t know why. It’s bothering me… I feel like I have no one to talk to, even though I have my best friend and my sister. Okay, I know this is an unfinished post, but I’m crying. Again. So I’m just gonna leave you with this link to Sheye Rosemeyer’s blog and the story of her superprincess. And this postcard. PLEASE watch your children carefully. Please lock your car doors and don’t let your kids have the keys. And try to park it in the shade.
4 years
My aunt died four years ago yesterday. I miss her like crazy and every day without her, my heart hurts a little more. She practically raised me. Dad worked, Mom worked. Aunt Terry lived with us, so she babysat. We had tons of fun together. We watched Disney Channel, Nick Jr (back when they were both cool and not lame) and there was a whole lot of Sound of Music played. We played board games, card games, and a lot of I Spy. We colored a lot, too. I loved to color. I don’t color so much anymore. That was kind of mine and her thing. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her like crazy. She was my best friend (other than my actual best friend). She was beautiful in many ways. Her faith and trust in God was strong, she taught me life lessons, she comforted me when I didn’t feel good, she read me stories and sang me to sleep. I miss that. If I could have just one more day with her, I’d drop everything just to have that day with her. To be honest, I actually forgot that yesterday was the anniversary of her passing. I’m kind of glad, though. That means it’s not overriding my brain. It means I’m finally accepting that she’s physically gone, but still with me in heart. It means I’m not grieving as much as I had been the previous years. I think I’m okay with her being gone because she lets me know she’s here with me. When I’m sick, I’ll wake up to someone touching my forehead, but when I open my eyes, there’s no one there and there’s no way they got out of my room fast enough for me to not see them. And the touch is cold. That’s Aunt Terry. Her hands were always cold. I’ll hear “Peanut” out of nowhere. No one calls me that except her. It used to scare the hell out of me, but now it’s more a sense of relief. I know she’s here and she’s okay. It’s liberating. Aunt Terry, if you’re reading this, just know that I love you and miss you more and more every day.
Love, Peanut
 
Sigh…
My sister-in-law frustrates me so much. She and my brother are getting married in September. While it’s the bride’s decision of which dresses the MOH and BMs wear, we should at least get to pick our own hairstyle and shoes, right? Well, get this. When she first asked me to be in the wedding, she said the shoes were going to be heels. Keep in mind that I am a very heavyset girl. I’m 378 pounds. Heels won’t hold my weight. At least, not the kind she was thinking of. Plus, I have never, EVER worn a heel before. She was pissed because I said that I’m not wearing heels. She got over it. THEN I found some shoes. They’re in fact heels, but they’re small heels and will hold my weight. When she found out, she got mad. Can you PLEASE make up your mind? It’s driving me insane. And she’s also mad about my hair. She wants everyone’s hair UP. Yes, I realize that it’s still going to be a little warm, but here’s my dilemma. My hair is long. It’s down to the middle of my back. I can’t wear my hair up because it’s too heavy. I have to keep my hair down. I also have a scar on my back with a 2 inch circumference. That’s a pretty big scar. I love my scar. It’s my first battle wound. It was a sebaeceous cyst. They had to operate to get that bitch out. But anyways. I don’t want my hair down because I want my scar covered, that’s just my cover story for my SIL. She’s pitching a bitch because I want my hair down. I’m sorry, but I think it’s better to have your hair down at a wedding. I don’t think your hair should be up, that’s just not up to my own standards. I realize it’s not my wedding, but I’m not putting my 10 pound hair UP and getting a headache. She can just forget that. She’s turning into a bridezilla. It’s annoying. She’s also annoyed with ME because my dress is too big in the breast area. I tried on a 26 at first and it was too small. That’s the only size available they had, so they had to make my dress and they made it a 30, as that’s what the lady that helped me fit my dress suggested because it’s easier to take IN a dress that’s too big than to let OUT a dress that’s too small. And to top it all off, SIL wasn’t even at the fitting to pick my dress up, so what the fuck does she care? I’m the one paying for my dress, so I have to pay for the alterations. She’s threatened to kick me out of the wedding, but she won’t because she knows damn well that if she DOES kick me out, I’m making her pay me every cent back for the dress and the shoes I had to buy for HER wedding. Is that harsh? I mean, if I have to pay for a $500 dress and $100 shoes, and then I get kicked out of the wedding, wouldn’t you think it’s only fair for her to pay me that $600 back since it was for HER? Anyways… I’m just so damn annoyed with her. If she keeps it up, she’ll be lucky if I even show up.
Sadness ensues…
I just found out that my grandparents split up. They’ve been married since 1979. For the last few years, they’ve been fighting a lot, about stupid stuff. Papa doesn’t tell Nana when he’s going somewhere, doesn’t tell her when someone is moving in, doesn’t really include her in household decisions. Nana nitpicks at Papa when he doesn’t get or forgets to get something for her at the store, gets upset really easily. It’s just been really bad. I wasn’t supposed to say anything outside of the family, but since no one reads this anyways, I wanted to get it off my chest. I feel like I should be sad about them splitting up, but I’m not. I guess I’ve seen it coming. Papa was the bread winner of the family (he’s a welder). Nana hasn’t worked in… God, forever. She hasn’t had a job since before I was born and I’m 22. My aunt and uncle moved into Nana and Papa’s house a few months ago and since then, my uncle’s been from job to job (he can’t really hold one) and my aunt hasn’t had a job in quite a while either, since before she had Bug. They don’t help around the house (the kids do everything because Nana can’t move around much). Uncle works, but Aunt M doesn’t really do anything around the house, even when it’s obvious it needs to be done. She’s not a bad person or anything like that. I wouldn’t really call her lazy either. She just doesn’t do much around the house. The kids are in charge of chores, which isn’t bad, but she can still do stuff around the house since she lives there. Anyways. Guess I better go. But before I do, here’s a picture of Guppy and Bug to lighten the mood.
 
Empire State of Mind
I just found out that my favorite actress (Ashley Tisdale) is engaged. I’m seriously so happy for her. She’s been with her boyfriend (Chris French from Annie Automatic) since December and I can’t even express how happy I am for her. However, I was in her tag on Tumblr, and her fans are so unsupportive it’s not even funny… And they FIGHT with each other. Like, I thought a fanbase was supposed to get along, but apparently not. Anyways. Deets on the engagement, Chris proposed on the 103rd floor of the Empire State Building. How romantic is that?! I also found out that she won’t be portraying Chloe Steele in the new Left Behind movie, which I’m pretty bummed about, but hopefully she gets something else. Maybe she’ll become a regular on Rebel Wilson’s new show Super Fun Night. She was in the pilot as Rebel’s little sister, so hopefully she’ll be on that. Anyways. Congrats to Ashley and Chris on the engagement. I’ll support her 100%, even if I might not like certain projects or ideas that she has. A real Tizzy doesn’t bash their girl.
Photo found on Tumblr
Randall
This little guy came up to us a few days ago. We didn’t keep him, but we did name him Randall so we wouldn’t be calling him “it” the whole time. He was with us for a couple days, but yesterday, we took him to the pound. They assured us that since he’s a kitten, he would get adopted and that he wouldn’t be put down. He was a cute little thing. My sisters were with me and so was my nephew Guppy. Everyone that saw him pinched his cheeks. It was driving me insane. I don’t know where their hands have been, or whether they were touching animals, and if those animals were sick or if the people themselves were sick. So the second we got back to the van, I gave his smooshy face a good wipe down with a wipe because I was not risking him getting sick. I’ve got some pictures of the little man too, so I’ll include a few of him.
My all time favorite, even though it came out grainy
And here’s a very smiley Guppy
The Little Things 